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Little lessons

July 20, 2010

It’s been over four months now. Four months since the shit hit the fan and my life went all wacked out.

Where am I at?

I’ve realized who I am, who I can be and who I want to be. I have lost friends and discovered who I really can count on. I’ve realized that I cannot trust my own emotions and what it’s like to be lonely. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve cussed, screamed and thrown a fit; I’ve taken things from people I shouldn’t have, I’ve been walked over and grown a backbone. I’ve learned to stand up for myself, I’ve lost that shy little girl and somehow become an adult. I’ve started dating a guy, stopped dating a guy and now don’t know what the hell I’m doing with said guy.

I’m emotionally still all torn to hell, but it is getting better. I’m not in love with Chris but there is still some bitterness there. Some hurt and resentment. I despise that he is unable to spend a moment without ‘her’. I despise that my children do not get to spend time with just daddy and I despise that he still lies to me. I hate that my daughters are in the middle of things that I do not want them to be in.

But I am happy. I’m secure. I know I can stand on my own two feet. I don’t dread getting up in the morning, I don’t fall asleep crying or wondering where my husband actually spent the night. My nightmares and insomnia have stopped. My hands don’t shake anymore.  I have a job, I don’t love my job, but I don’t hate it either. I do love the people I work with though. 🙂

So all in all, I’m balanced. I’ve found a center, I’ve found some peace. And at the end of the day, it’s all okay.

Sometimes people are blinded about how bad things really are until they are out of a situation. I think, wait no, I know that was my case.

So my questions to you are these – How do you ever learn to trust your own emotions? How do you learn to trust a man again after divorce? And will it ever get easier?

Wow this post was a weeeee bit whiny. Sorry for that.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. July 20, 2010 11:23 PM

    My parents divorced after almost 17 years together. Despite seeing it coming, it still hurt. My dad, because of his anger and issues with my mom, did not do a lot to contact my brother or me.

    While it may hurt that your ex does not spend time with your daughters, make sure that you do.

    I watched my mom go through the ups and downs that come with a divorce, and while I may have been too young for her to really lean on, I was old enough to understand that she was going through a lot of changes in herself.

    You will be closer to them than you could ever imagine. They may not have the best or strongest relationship with their dad that you may want them to have, but they have you. And someday they will realize all that you’ve done for them and they will love you and appreciate you more than you may ever know.

    To this day my mother is my best friend and the person I most admire. She is the strongest person I know and if I am even half the woman she is someday, I’ll be damn proud. I’m married now, and while I certainly don’t hope for divorce in my future with my husband, I know that should it ever come to that — I am strong enough to stand on my own because of my mother.

    *hug* I am happy that you’ve found balance and peace. I may not have the answers to your questions, but I do know that your girls love you and are lucky to have a strong mommy as a role model.

  2. July 21, 2010 8:53 AM

    1. You have to make sure you know who you are. When you know who you are and what you want (and don’t want) you can make decisions that support those things.
    2. You have to be happy and whole by yourself.
    3. Once you are happy and whole by yourself, you can make decisions that are good for you and your family. It will also be easier to make less emotional/more logical decisions.
    4. Also, once you are happy and whole by yourself, you’ll be able to find a partner who is also happy and whole.

    Two pieces of advice that stuck with me are:
    a. a half of a person plus a half of a person doesn’t make a whole person, it takes two whole people to make a whole marriage.
    b. it’s better to be alone than to wish you were alone.

    I’m really happy to hear that things are improving for you. And I agree with Alice… you should spend time with your girls to ensure they know how much you love them.

    Always talk kindly about Chris. While he may be a lot of things, he is their daddy and they love him. They will have a relationship with him. It may not be in the way or time-frame you want, but they will have it. And when they do, they need to know that it’s ok to tell you how great it is.

  3. jess permalink
    July 22, 2010 8:47 PM

    I am so glad/happy for /proud of you! You are showing your true colors and strength by using a devastating experience to find out who you are and who you want to be. By choosing to make this something that you are learning and growing from, you are giving your girls the best example they could have. I agree with the other posts here – your relationship with your daughters will be stronger and better than ever because all three of you had each other to lean on and learn from during this time. Show them the kind of women you want them to become by becoming that woman yourself. You’re well on your way. ((hugs))

    I know it’s cliche to say “time heals all wounds” and really, I don’t think it does entirely. But time helps. It makes the hurt fade, the raw-ness dulls, and you gain perspective that you couldn’t have when you were in the middle of the situation. Give it time.

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