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Who seems to be the question

June 1, 2010

Many of you know I am going through a divorce. I’m bitter, I’m angry and hurt.  I’m sad, I cry, I scream and throw things, I wade in self-pity and doubt who I am, but I’m also changing. I’m growing, I’m finding who I am, I’m enjoying my daughters and the life I can build. I enjoy the quiet, the lack of stress from a husband who wasn’t invested in us. Yet it still hurts.

It hurts to find a golf ball behind the couch, a pair of his shorts in my laundry. I hate when I catch the random whiff of his cologne or forget that he’s not here, he’s not mine when I’m cooking dinner for us all.

It’s been over a month since he physically left. Emotionally Chris bailed out a year or more ago. I overlooked things, I decided to ignore the fact he was calling and receiving calls from a woman at his work, I accepted when he stayed out all night, I didn’t question that fact that we did not have sex for months because deep down, I knew.

I knew we were done. I knew I had given everything I could, I knew that he had taken what he wanted and we were over.

There is/was another girl involved. That has been hard. It was hard to hear it even though I did know, it was hard to have women they worked with tell me about it and it was really damn hard to have the girls meet her, but I’ll get over it.

As hard as it is to admit, I don’t hate him. I don’t hate her. I hate the situation, I hate the hurt and the anger, but I believe that’s normal. Chris did what I never could have done, he left. I loved him, a part of me will always love him, but we were not happy. I would have worked on it, I would have done what I could to fix it but sometimes you can’t fix a relationship, especially when one person doesn’t want to. I want him to be happy. Even with all the pain and all the bs, I feel he deserves to be happy. We had something special and we lost it, we squandered it and sometimes stuff like that happens.

So here I am, a little broken, a whole hell of a lotta banged up and starting over. Some days I wonder how I can do this. I wonder how freaking long will I hurt. I wonder if I’m strong enough.

I know I am. I will do this, I will make this work and I will be happy.

And somewhere along the way, I will figure out who I am.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. June 1, 2010 3:14 PM

    Wow. You sound very strong. Just keep in mind that your daughters are beautiful, that the work that you do is beautiful, that you are beautiful. Your ex has gone and done the easiest thing for him in the short run; he’ll regret it someday.

    Keep moving forward & believe in yourself.

    Myself, along with many other folks, we believe in you. Keep your chin up, girl.

  2. June 1, 2010 9:15 PM

    I feel your pain, as I’ve been there. Divorce sucks, plain and simple. I’ll share with you the best piece of advice that I got during mine: life on the other side is great – remember that. Hold onto to it hard, remind yourself every day, in the shittiest of the shitty parts. Its going to get better. At some point, you’ll look around and realize you are on the other side and its not just better than before, life is great.

    Here’s hoping you get to the other side sooner rather than later.

  3. June 4, 2010 9:24 AM

    Big hugs! I’ve been thinking about you!!

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