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The world according to my daughters movie collection

March 28, 2010

According to my daughters movies, the world is a strange place. I didn’t realize how strange until I sat and thought about it. Here’s a little rundown, something I like to call, The World According to Childhood Movies. (I’m only using movies my daughters have. )

Dinosaurs loved tree stars. 😦 And your dead mother will come in the clouds and give you advice. And dude, when dino’s moms die, a part of your soul dies too.

In the beginning there were evil witches. These witches flew on broomsticks, had hordes of evil flying monkeys to do their bidding and despised all pretty girls. There were also a whole hell of a lot of evil stepmothers and fairy godmothers.

Tornadoes are scary but at the same time they bring you to a magical land where color exists and you’ll get to meet the Lolly-pop guild.

Mermaids lived under the sea. They collected human artifacts, wanted legs more than anything else and wore coconut bras.

Peter Pan is strange. That’s all I gotta say about that.

In the olden days it was always a good idea to go into strange houses and clean. Your trusty woodland critter friends would help clean and never ever poop in the floor or leave that strange ass wildlife smell behind. When you were done, it was a great idea to go upstairs and curl into one of seven tiny sized beds. Ya know, cause that’s what all smart young ladies do.

If you weren’t cleaning a strangers houses, you were locked into a tower/bedroom by an evil stepmother. Again, the local wildlife (or mice) will help with all the crappy chores (aka child labor) you must do.

Don’t eat apples. Ever.

If you are a man, you’re either a prince (who rides a huge horse and saves the day) or a street bum (Who finds a magic lamp and saves the day).

The men totally have the easier job.

Cats talk in funny accents and are highly annoying. Oh and doggies like spaghetti and kissing under the moonlight… (That’s right boys and girls spay and nuter your pets!)

Alright.  Lets move into the present day. Summary of life in the last 100 years.

Hunters suck. They kill bambi’s mom and this is just wrong.

Your toys are alive. They run around your room when you are gone or sleeping. They may be plotting your downfall… not sure though, Toy Story 3 isn’t out yet.

Some fish have 3 second attention spans and are highly annoying.

Even if you are not a true super dog, if you believe it you can run into a building that is on fire and save the girl.

Hamsters are the shit. (Is rhino a hamster or gerbil? I can’t remember)

Again with the dead parents in the clouds. This time we have a lion father coming and giving his son advice, help… whatever you want to call it. Apparently if your loved one dies you need to spend lots of time staring at the sky.

Willy Wonka had a love affair with acid.

There will be an Iron Giant. He will rock and save the day, but only if the stupid military doesn’t pull out guns. Guns make Iron Giant VERY angry.  You don’t wanna see Irony ANGRY.

It can rain food. When it does, people will get VERY fat, cause we’ll apparently eat and eat and eat and eat….

Santa is a little scary.

There are monsters in your closet. Most are awesome, but some are very scary and need to be beat up.

SOME BABIES CATCH ON FIRE!!!!

The future— Let’s all ooooh and ahhhh here.

My kids have very limited movies on the future. Honestly without sneaking into their room to be sure I can only think of one. Wall-e.

Wall-e is the shit. Really. I have to admit it’s probably my favorite kid movie to date.

So the future according to cartoons is quite simple.

We destroy the earth.

(Shocker huh?)

We create robots to do our dirty work. We flee the planet, get SUPER fat and lazy on a spaceship and leave the robots to clean up the mess. The robots die, all except for Wall-e. He works and works, making cubes of trash and saves the day. (Not spoiling this movie. If you haven’t seen it, watch it. It’s awesome!)

So that’s the world according to cartoons. At least for now….

(zombie post is coming up this week. I promise. Stop emailing me asking for it… k? okkkkkk. Fine then. No one emailed me asking for more. I’m just stroking my own ego…)

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